[ As soon as Ferdinand arrives back in the city with his device on April 21st, the following messages are delivered. ]
[Mar 18, 7:59pm] Good evening, Ferdinand. When are you coming back to the apartment? I thought I might order us some food. Any requests?
[Mar 18, 10:48pm] Ferdinand? Do be safe walking home this late.
[Mar 19, 12:27am] Missed call
[Mar 19, 12:40am] Missed call
[Mar 19, 12:55am] Where are you? Did you lose your device?
[Mar 19, 1:07am] Missed call
[Mar 19, 1:08am] Fine. Perhaps you’re busy making quota, hm? I have work in the morning. Good night.
[Mar 19, 7:10am] You didn’t come back. Have you decided to stay at your place again? Or are you presently doing a walk of shame?
[Mar 19, 6:35pm] What have I done to deserve such lack of communication? If you don’t wish to stay with me any longer, there is no need to avoid me. Just tell me.
[Mar 20, 5:48pm] I inquired with your roommate, but they haven’t seen you. Neither had Bernadetta. Answer me or I’ll have to alert the authorities of your disappearance.
[He did alert the authorities, but they didn’t care. People go missing all the time, it’s typical, they said. There’s never any trace, so they stopped bothering to investigate. They seemed to adopt a particular apathy once they found out Ferdinand was a submissive. Hubert threw a fit and hung up on them.]
[Mar 20, 10:36pm] Please, Ferdinand…
[Mar 21, 11:25am] Whatever I have done to hurt you, I apologize. Please, just let me know you are okay
[Mar 21, 10:09pm] Don’t leave me alone in this place. I need you by my side.
[Mar 22, 12:31pm] No one knows where you are. All the leads are cold, but I will not stop. If the person reading this has captured Ferdinand, know that I will find you, and I will kill you.
[He keeps searching, keeps coming up with nothing.]
[April 4th, 11:37pm] Your irritating presence and delusional bravado is… Missed. I hope you made it back home. If you’re still in this world, I will find you yet.
[Well, that was... very strange. Why on earth he would need to be readmitted, no one running the LIES Program would say beyond shrugging answers such as 'it happens, sometimes.' Moreover, he doesn't recall going back or being taken back at all. The first thing that shocks him is the date on his device. Just shy of over a month had passed? And it looks like he has some notifications...
Oh. A deluge of them. Messages and missed calls, most of them from Hubert. He pulls them up to read, and watches as Hubert's questioning of his whereabouts turns to clear concern for him, retreating then into annoyance and accusations before mutating into a form of demanding desperation, wielding threats to someone who wasn't reading them before being defeated by hopelessness, nursing his sunken emotions by reasoning that it's possible he went to a better place and even admitting that he missed his presence.
It twists Ferdinand's heart to see this archive of him bending himself in such shapes, all for his sake. Unwarranted guilt tugs as well. This is just the surface of the protracted anguish he must have put him through. Before he can let Hubert wonder even one more time where he had been spirited away to, he hurries to send a call through.]
[Hubert is reading in the evening, as he usually does, when his device vibrates in his pocket. Grumbling about being interrupted, he pulls it out.
When he sees the call is coming from Ferdinand, his heart jumps out of his chest, smashes through the window, and plummets 24 stories down to the ground below. At least, that's how it feels.
But is this really Ferdinand? Or is it someone posing as him? Or perhaps a prank?
He presses the button to answer, his voice shaking.]
[In this moment, Hubert's body does a whole bunch of things. His stomach drops, his throat tightens, his heart pounds, he breaks out in a sweat.]
Fer--
[His voice falters, breathless. That is undoubtedly Ferdinand's voice, his manner, saying his own name like that. Tears prick at his eyes and he blinks rapidly, but he refuses to believe it just yet. He forces his voice to be firm.]
[Give him a second or few as he parses and figures out how to do so. Sure enough, the feed starts running, and Ferdinand adjusts his device away from his face. He looks as concerned and apologetic as he sounds, as well as confused. The background is difficult to see, given the later hour and how much is visible, but he looks as though he's somewhere in the Up.]
See? I am unhurt. I was not kidnapped, or, well... I am not sure about that, but no one was trying to bring harm upon me.
[At least, given the situation of being in Duplicity to begin with.]
[He turns his own video on and waits to see Ferdinand, and once he does, he lets out the breath it feels like he's been holding for a month. It's really him, and he seems to be safe. His reassurance that he is unharmed sounds genuine, not forced by someone in the background holding a weapon. A relief.]
Where were you?
[His throat is tight, making his voice come out unevenly and a little strangled. He blinks back more tears, very rapidly, arranging his face into his usual scowl so as to hopefully not betray his true feelings too much.]
[Able to see him in turn, Ferdinand can glimpse the hurt scrawled across his tight features — hurt to a degree he isn't used to seeing on him at all. Is he envisioning things, or is Hubert fighting back tears for him?
Oh... Hubert... Ferdinand's own face falls into shocked sympathy. He almost asks if he's crying, but thinks better than to do that right now. The urge to be with right him overpowers, but he owes him an explanation. Or, at least, as much of one that he is capable of giving.]
To tell you the truth, I only have the faintest idea. My world has been dark for a whole month. I believe LIEs to be responsible, as I woke up in their facility. They were working out some kinks with me.
[Oh, great, Ferdinand is looking at him with pity. Clearly he isn't masking himself well enough. He needs a stronger mask, and rage steps up to the plate, reliably.]
Of course it was them. I should have known. I should have probed them further, made more disturbance. I can only imagine what they did to you.
[He fumes. They drugged him into some kind of coma and did experiments on him for a whole month, was that it?]
You're sure you're unharmed? No hunger? Thirst? Wasting?
[He looks... Exactly the same as when he was last here. Not even bags under his eyes or a tangle in his perfect locks.]
[Given how he had to be tortured by worry for his safety like that and left with no conclusion for that long, it's easy to see why Hubert darkens with fury and thinks the worst of them. It's also easy to see why he's a challenge to reassure, though that also comes with the territory of Hubert's skeptical, untrusting nature. Not that Ferdinand trusts most of this city, either.]
Nothing of the sort. I feel just fine. But I want to come to you.
[Please. He wants to beg. But he doesn't, of course. Instead, he nods.]
Yes, very well. I'll prepare the guest room. Is there anything else I should get ready for you?
[He hasn't cleaned it since Ferdinand disappeared, which is very unusual for him. He felt he needed to preserve its state to glean any evidence he could from it about his whereabouts, and perhaps just to remind himself that he had actually been there.]
You're a terribly naughty submissive. See you soon, then.
[As he hangs up, he's relieved for Ferdinand's ability to see right through him. To know that actually, he could really use a hug right now, but Hubert has to pretend he hates it because that's just how it is.
After hanging up, he puts his face in his hands for a moment and lets out a small sob. He allows himself the overwhelming emotions for ten seconds. Relief, anger, joy, misplaced grief being resolved. Then he quickly composes and busies himself cleaning up the guest room.]
[Well! He'd better make it to Hubert's apartment sooner rather than later, lest he tie himself up in knots wondering if something befell him again. Every ten minutes or so, he sends him an update on his way and general whereabouts. Luckily, he has gone 'home' enough times to have an idea of how to navigate there. It's not like he can pay for a taxi, and he doesn't want to be given a ride to the Down like he's expected to. Despite these hurdles, Ferdinand makes it safe and sound with little trouble and raps on the door.]
Hubert! There is a naughty submissive at your door. He is poised to stir up some trouble! Will you please come keep him in line?
[Hubert's extreme nervous energy is taken out on the fervent cleaning and quelled by the periodic messages from Ferdinand, confirming that he is not dead and is still en route. Finally, he hears his too-loud voice and all but bolts to the door.]
Keep your voice down!
[He hisses it, grabs Ferdinand's arm like a vice, pulls him inside, slams and locks the door, and wraps the redhead in a tight hug, all within ten seconds.
The feeling of warm real flesh and blood is the only thing that can prove to Hubert he's really here and actually safe, so he clings to him, burying his face in the broad shoulder.]
Don't ever do that again, you awful, terrible idiot.
[Ferdinand cries out startled as Hubert jerks him inside with such urgency, and then before he can do anything else, it's Hubert who squeezes him into an embrace instead, and with as much vigor as though he might lose him again if he isn't secured. Then he chides him, though the insults bounce off of him. At the heart of it, they're wrought of the deep concern that was evident in the messages he'd been sent, and sympathy soaks him again.
Well... even though he was beaten to it, he's still going to enfold him into an embrace of his own. There is nothing he can really do to avoid doing what he did to him, plunging him into a sense of futility. But the important thing right now is]
I am here. One way or another, within my own ability, I will try not to put you through that again.
[It does feel... quite nice, to be ensconced against him this way. He takes a moment to stroke his back in long, gentle sways, his other arm rising up the nape of his neck to cup the back of his head buried against his shoulder as if to encourage him to stay as long as he likes.]
[Hubert knows it isn't Ferdinand's fault. He would never do such a thing if he had any control over it. Still, Hubert's anger has to go somewhere. As Ferdinand holds him and murmurs reassurances, though, it fizzles out entirely. He deeply breathes in Ferdinand's vaguely floral scent, and as he does, his muscles seem to relax out the tension that had been holding there for the past month. He allows his weight to lean entirely into his strong friend, just for a moment letting himself feel the relief fully.
Then, the hug feels as though it's getting to a length that is indicative of more than friendship, not to mention it's very unusual for Hubert to hug someone, anyway. In fact, he isn't sure they ever have hugged before. Once, Ferdinand carried him from the battlefield. Or, some Ferdinand did, maybe not this one. Even then he'd been a bit embarrassed by the closeness.
So he pushes himself gently away from the other man, averting his eyes and forcing himself to regain his stoic composure.]
Ah, shall I get you something? Tea? I admit, I wasn't expecting you, so I probably don't have anything of high enough quality.
[He moves to the kitchen as an excuse not to address or linger on what just occurred.]
[When Hubert begins to snap out of it, the spell cast over Ferdinand breaks too, and he begins to realize himself. Embarrassment starts to smolder and he straightens away from him.]
At this point, I am in no position to be so discerning. I will happily take the best of whatever you have with no complaint.
[And he also happily takes the segue away from the sudden awkwardness generated by their protracted emotional reunion to salvage some sense of normality... not to mention the cloud of butterflies released after holding Hubert von Vestra like that. They had never even hugged before, and here they were, sharing in such reassuring affection so tenderly.
Ferdinand can readily dismiss it as a product of their situation. They are both enduring a lot of stress. Sure, they have already done that together and more with the war, but even though he hadn't gone to the academy expecting one to break out when it did, at least he had trained for the battles that would come. What straits they find each other in are a frightening new beast altogether. And though he tries to look away from reality right now, something between them is changing shape again. It has been transforming, from envisioning the prospects of meeting quota with and accepting him as his dominant to being stripped and tied up and played with. How all of it makes him feel, he makes little effort to examine, as if it is something he is not supposed to do.
He follows along at a distance and plants himself at the nearest table, folding his arms over the table and lacing his fingers.]
So, a whole month has passed by... How have you been managing so far?
[He pushes away the residual warm feelings he got from the weight of Ferdinand's hand on him, the lock of his hair that brushed against his face, that Goddess-damned familiar smell that he unconsciously associates with home...
Instead he focuses laser-sharp on the tea preparations, choosing the best herbal tea he currently has, not wanting Ferdinand to consume caffeine so late. It's a rose-petal blend, and he may or may not have specifically bought it for Ferdinand when he'd been staying with him a month ago. He disappeared before he could have any of it, so Hubert opens the package now.]
Well. I suppose there is one good thing about your disappearance. You did not have to endure the experiments they put us through.
[He stares at the electric kettle as it heats, his brow furrowed. He doesn't elaborate.]
[His hands separate to push at the table, as if bracing himself against this delivery of foreboding news.]
Experiments? [It feels as though he's swallowed cold lead. His mind rushes at the possibilities he does not want to think of, all that could be painful, invasive, humiliating, and mind-warping. What makes him shudder even more is that they happened to people he cares deeply about, and the outrage of how these deranged villains can get away with it all simmers, too.] Tell me what happened. Please.
[Hubert sighs at Ferdinand's urgently concerned tone as he pours the boiling water into two mugs of tea. He knows if roles were reversed, Hubert would feel absolutely sick to hear about this, so as he sits across from Ferdinand and passes him his mug, he reassures him:]
We are all okay now, so do not fret yourself into a tizzy. This was a few weeks ago. We were all forcefully removed from our homes and taken to a medical facility of sorts. They dosed us with a myriad of different types of drugs and put us in rooms to play out sexual scenarios of their choosing or other forms of unusual torture. They watched us through cameras and two-way mirrors. It lasted several days.
[He sighs again, looking down at the cup in his hands. He'd hoped it wouldn't sound so bad when he said it out loud, but it does. He isn't sure if he should elaborate further, or if that will just upset Ferdinand, so he waits to see if his friend has questions.]
[If only the pleasantly light rosy aroma drifting on the steam were enough to carry his worries away, too. He cradles it closer, curious to find out how it tastes but not wanting to burn his tongue. He looks up at Hubert with concern and on tenterhooks, face losing color. It sounded a lot like orientation, only worse, more invasive.]
Several days... of that? [he reflects.] How can I not fret about you having to go through such prolonged indignities? What... What sorts of sexual scenarios? Unusual... torture? What does that mean?
[Ah, yes. It would appear that Ferdinand is asking all the questions. He doesn't really want to know. But he also cannot imagine going forward living with the weight of knowing these people had messed with Hubert, Bernadetta, Annette, or anyone else while being in the dark as to how they experienced it. It almost doesn't seem fair that he got a free pass to remain relatively untouched and unscathed by what Duplicity is probably going to keep doing. That is a haunting thought as well, and he doesn't feel ready to deal with something as horrid as sexual experiments and exploitation at all. Knowing could at least prepare him for what else they might be in for. How can Hubert possibly be okay, even if he claims he is now? His heart hurts that he did, and that he wasn't there for him, couldn't do anything to stop it.]
[Hubert cringes internally, knowing this won't be easy to hear, but he ought to just rip the band-aid off. He needs to know what kinds of things can happen here.]
Being given aphrodisiacs and made to fuck a stranger. They put drugs in the food or forced us to take them. Drugs that make pain feel good, or make you feel drunk, or make you tell the truth. I encountered a vampire who drank from me. Quite a vast array of experiences, some almost pleasant, some not.
They also... Know things about us. They know I am a sadist, so they set up an experiment where I had to hurt people. They also know I am prone to paranoia, so they gave me a drug that enhanced that. I...
[He looks down at his cup. This part is apparently hard to discuss.]
I hallucinated another participant as Thales, and tried to kill him. I was convinced the whole program was run by Those Who Slither, and I'd have to kill them all to get back home to Her Majesty. I was... Completely terrified. I have scarcely been so frightened, even in battle.
[He worries his lip between his teeth, lowering his voice.]
After that, I was so afraid of being drugged again that I did not eat for a long time. I collapsed on my way home, but a friend found me and helped.
[He hopes Ferdinand won't chastise him for not eating. He is so tired of it. Is there not something rational about not wanting to go through that again? Especially in a place where he knew the food was often tainted?]
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text | un:darkmage
[Mar 18, 7:59pm]
Good evening, Ferdinand. When are you coming back to the apartment? I thought I might order us some food. Any requests?
[Mar 18, 10:48pm]
Ferdinand? Do be safe walking home this late.
[Mar 19, 12:27am]
Missed call
[Mar 19, 12:40am]
Missed call
[Mar 19, 12:55am]
Where are you? Did you lose your device?
[Mar 19, 1:07am]
Missed call
[Mar 19, 1:08am]
Fine. Perhaps you’re busy making quota, hm? I have work in the morning. Good night.
[Mar 19, 7:10am]
You didn’t come back. Have you decided to stay at your place again? Or are you presently doing a walk of shame?
[Mar 19, 6:35pm]
What have I done to deserve such lack of communication? If you don’t wish to stay with me any longer, there is no need to avoid me. Just tell me.
[Mar 20, 5:48pm]
I inquired with your roommate, but they haven’t seen you. Neither had Bernadetta. Answer me or I’ll have to alert the authorities of your disappearance.
[He did alert the authorities, but they didn’t care. People go missing all the time, it’s typical, they said. There’s never any trace, so they stopped bothering to investigate. They seemed to adopt a particular apathy once they found out Ferdinand was a submissive. Hubert threw a fit and hung up on them.]
[Mar 20, 10:36pm]
Please, Ferdinand…
[Mar 21, 11:25am]
Whatever I have done to hurt you, I apologize. Please, just let me know you are okay
[Mar 21, 10:09pm]
Don’t leave me alone in this place. I need you by my side.
[Mar 22, 12:31pm]
No one knows where you are. All the leads are cold, but I will not stop. If the person reading this has captured Ferdinand, know that I will find you, and I will kill you.
[He keeps searching, keeps coming up with nothing.]
[April 4th, 11:37pm]
Your irritating presence and delusional bravado is… Missed. I hope you made it back home. If you’re still in this world, I will find you yet.
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Oh. A deluge of them. Messages and missed calls, most of them from Hubert. He pulls them up to read, and watches as Hubert's questioning of his whereabouts turns to clear concern for him, retreating then into annoyance and accusations before mutating into a form of demanding desperation, wielding threats to someone who wasn't reading them before being defeated by hopelessness, nursing his sunken emotions by reasoning that it's possible he went to a better place and even admitting that he missed his presence.
It twists Ferdinand's heart to see this archive of him bending himself in such shapes, all for his sake. Unwarranted guilt tugs as well. This is just the surface of the protracted anguish he must have put him through. Before he can let Hubert wonder even one more time where he had been spirited away to, he hurries to send a call through.]
> audio
When he sees the call is coming from Ferdinand, his heart jumps out of his chest, smashes through the window, and plummets 24 stories down to the ground below. At least, that's how it feels.
But is this really Ferdinand? Or is it someone posing as him? Or perhaps a prank?
He presses the button to answer, his voice shaking.]
Hello?
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Fer--
[His voice falters, breathless. That is undoubtedly Ferdinand's voice, his manner, saying his own name like that. Tears prick at his eyes and he blinks rapidly, but he refuses to believe it just yet. He forces his voice to be firm.]
Turn on your video, I must see that you're safe.
> video
[Give him a second or few as he parses and figures out how to do so. Sure enough, the feed starts running, and Ferdinand adjusts his device away from his face. He looks as concerned and apologetic as he sounds, as well as confused. The background is difficult to see, given the later hour and how much is visible, but he looks as though he's somewhere in the Up.]
See? I am unhurt. I was not kidnapped, or, well... I am not sure about that, but no one was trying to bring harm upon me.
[At least, given the situation of being in Duplicity to begin with.]
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Where were you?
[His throat is tight, making his voice come out unevenly and a little strangled. He blinks back more tears, very rapidly, arranging his face into his usual scowl so as to hopefully not betray his true feelings too much.]
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Oh... Hubert... Ferdinand's own face falls into shocked sympathy. He almost asks if he's crying, but thinks better than to do that right now. The urge to be with right him overpowers, but he owes him an explanation. Or, at least, as much of one that he is capable of giving.]
To tell you the truth, I only have the faintest idea. My world has been dark for a whole month. I believe LIEs to be responsible, as I woke up in their facility. They were working out some kinks with me.
[Phrasing, Ferdinand.]
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Of course it was them. I should have known. I should have probed them further, made more disturbance. I can only imagine what they did to you.
[He fumes. They drugged him into some kind of coma and did experiments on him for a whole month, was that it?]
You're sure you're unharmed? No hunger? Thirst? Wasting?
[He looks... Exactly the same as when he was last here. Not even bags under his eyes or a tangle in his perfect locks.]
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Nothing of the sort. I feel just fine. But I want to come to you.
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Yes, very well. I'll prepare the guest room. Is there anything else I should get ready for you?
[He hasn't cleaned it since Ferdinand disappeared, which is very unusual for him. He felt he needed to preserve its state to glean any evidence he could from it about his whereabouts, and perhaps just to remind himself that he had actually been there.]
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Yes. You had better prepare yourself... for my long-awaited return! You never know. I might feel like giving you a hug.
[Is that a threat??]
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Haven't I suffered enough?
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Not nearly, it would seem. This time, I shall make you suffer on purpose!
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[As he hangs up, he's relieved for Ferdinand's ability to see right through him. To know that actually, he could really use a hug right now, but Hubert has to pretend he hates it because that's just how it is.
After hanging up, he puts his face in his hands for a moment and lets out a small sob. He allows himself the overwhelming emotions for ten seconds. Relief, anger, joy, misplaced grief being resolved. Then he quickly composes and busies himself cleaning up the guest room.]
> action
Hubert! There is a naughty submissive at your door. He is poised to stir up some trouble! Will you please come keep him in line?
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Keep your voice down!
[He hisses it, grabs Ferdinand's arm like a vice, pulls him inside, slams and locks the door, and wraps the redhead in a tight hug, all within ten seconds.
The feeling of warm real flesh and blood is the only thing that can prove to Hubert he's really here and actually safe, so he clings to him, burying his face in the broad shoulder.]
Don't ever do that again, you awful, terrible idiot.
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Well... even though he was beaten to it, he's still going to enfold him into an embrace of his own. There is nothing he can really do to avoid doing what he did to him, plunging him into a sense of futility. But the important thing right now is]
I am here. One way or another, within my own ability, I will try not to put you through that again.
[It does feel... quite nice, to be ensconced against him this way. He takes a moment to stroke his back in long, gentle sways, his other arm rising up the nape of his neck to cup the back of his head buried against his shoulder as if to encourage him to stay as long as he likes.]
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Then, the hug feels as though it's getting to a length that is indicative of more than friendship, not to mention it's very unusual for Hubert to hug someone, anyway. In fact, he isn't sure they ever have hugged before. Once, Ferdinand carried him from the battlefield. Or, some Ferdinand did, maybe not this one. Even then he'd been a bit embarrassed by the closeness.
So he pushes himself gently away from the other man, averting his eyes and forcing himself to regain his stoic composure.]
Ah, shall I get you something? Tea? I admit, I wasn't expecting you, so I probably don't have anything of high enough quality.
[He moves to the kitchen as an excuse not to address or linger on what just occurred.]
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At this point, I am in no position to be so discerning. I will happily take the best of whatever you have with no complaint.
[And he also happily takes the segue away from the sudden awkwardness generated by their protracted emotional reunion to salvage some sense of normality... not to mention the cloud of butterflies released after holding Hubert von Vestra like that. They had never even hugged before, and here they were, sharing in such reassuring affection so tenderly.
Ferdinand can readily dismiss it as a product of their situation. They are both enduring a lot of stress. Sure, they have already done that together and more with the war, but even though he hadn't gone to the academy expecting one to break out when it did, at least he had trained for the battles that would come. What straits they find each other in are a frightening new beast altogether. And though he tries to look away from reality right now, something between them is changing shape again. It has been transforming, from envisioning the prospects of meeting quota with and accepting him as his dominant to being stripped and tied up and played with. How all of it makes him feel, he makes little effort to examine, as if it is something he is not supposed to do.
He follows along at a distance and plants himself at the nearest table, folding his arms over the table and lacing his fingers.]
So, a whole month has passed by... How have you been managing so far?
no subject
Instead he focuses laser-sharp on the tea preparations, choosing the best herbal tea he currently has, not wanting Ferdinand to consume caffeine so late. It's a rose-petal blend, and he may or may not have specifically bought it for Ferdinand when he'd been staying with him a month ago. He disappeared before he could have any of it, so Hubert opens the package now.]
Well. I suppose there is one good thing about your disappearance. You did not have to endure the experiments they put us through.
[He stares at the electric kettle as it heats, his brow furrowed. He doesn't elaborate.]
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Experiments? [It feels as though he's swallowed cold lead. His mind rushes at the possibilities he does not want to think of, all that could be painful, invasive, humiliating, and mind-warping. What makes him shudder even more is that they happened to people he cares deeply about, and the outrage of how these deranged villains can get away with it all simmers, too.] Tell me what happened. Please.
no subject
We are all okay now, so do not fret yourself into a tizzy. This was a few weeks ago. We were all forcefully removed from our homes and taken to a medical facility of sorts. They dosed us with a myriad of different types of drugs and put us in rooms to play out sexual scenarios of their choosing or other forms of unusual torture. They watched us through cameras and two-way mirrors. It lasted several days.
[He sighs again, looking down at the cup in his hands. He'd hoped it wouldn't sound so bad when he said it out loud, but it does. He isn't sure if he should elaborate further, or if that will just upset Ferdinand, so he waits to see if his friend has questions.]
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Several days... of that? [he reflects.] How can I not fret about you having to go through such prolonged indignities? What... What sorts of sexual scenarios? Unusual... torture? What does that mean?
[Ah, yes. It would appear that Ferdinand is asking all the questions. He doesn't really want to know. But he also cannot imagine going forward living with the weight of knowing these people had messed with Hubert, Bernadetta, Annette, or anyone else while being in the dark as to how they experienced it. It almost doesn't seem fair that he got a free pass to remain relatively untouched and unscathed by what Duplicity is probably going to keep doing. That is a haunting thought as well, and he doesn't feel ready to deal with something as horrid as sexual experiments and exploitation at all. Knowing could at least prepare him for what else they might be in for. How can Hubert possibly be okay, even if he claims he is now? His heart hurts that he did, and that he wasn't there for him, couldn't do anything to stop it.]
no subject
Being given aphrodisiacs and made to fuck a stranger. They put drugs in the food or forced us to take them. Drugs that make pain feel good, or make you feel drunk, or make you tell the truth. I encountered a vampire who drank from me. Quite a vast array of experiences, some almost pleasant, some not.
They also... Know things about us. They know I am a sadist, so they set up an experiment where I had to hurt people. They also know I am prone to paranoia, so they gave me a drug that enhanced that. I...
[He looks down at his cup. This part is apparently hard to discuss.]
I hallucinated another participant as Thales, and tried to kill him. I was convinced the whole program was run by Those Who Slither, and I'd have to kill them all to get back home to Her Majesty. I was... Completely terrified. I have scarcely been so frightened, even in battle.
[He worries his lip between his teeth, lowering his voice.]
After that, I was so afraid of being drugged again that I did not eat for a long time. I collapsed on my way home, but a friend found me and helped.
[He hopes Ferdinand won't chastise him for not eating. He is so tired of it. Is there not something rational about not wanting to go through that again? Especially in a place where he knew the food was often tainted?]
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