[Out the corner of his eye, he notices the light change, and pulls the phone away from his face. Given that, his immediate reaction is to reciprocate, and he tries to navigate to the video option as he gives his reply.]
Yes! You. That is what I want. [And then... he got it! He smiles at her reassuringly, keeping his screen at a proper distance (but trying not to show too much of the shabby environment of the halfway house...).] Our names and titles, or anything that tied us to the nobility of the Empire do not factor into this even a little. I am way past that. My relationship to you is personal.
[ She looks visibly startled, and she thinks she feels her ears catching fire. She knew all that already of course - their relationship has been personal for a long time. She's loved Ferdinand for a long time, and she's realizing it must have been even longer than she realized it herself.
It's hard to believe when Ferdinand himself is saying it, though, because part of her thinks he might not be telling the truth. Unbidden, her eyes fill with tears as she tries to navigate how that would feel. ]
I think what we have is personal too, Ferdinand. So I hope.. I mean... I don't want you to think we'd do this just because we need to or anything! Because... Because you're a lot more important to me than all that! All those designations and houses and property and things.
[ beat. ]
Ah! And I'd be really happy to see you a lot more, too!
[Her words lift him up, especially her last admission, and it shines through on his face.]
I am awfully glad to hear you say that. I look forward to this! Wow... [He shakes his head, hand resting at his plain, black collar.] I can hardly believe this is happening. We are now able to lawfully join this way. [But then, he starts to notice her teary eyes, which almost brings him to some of his own. He hopes they're a result of overwhelming joy, but concern for otherwise crops up.] Bernadetta... Are you crying?
[ She hastily wipes at her eyes and hiccups. Okay. Yes. Maybe. ]
Maybe a little. I just thought... Well, for a moment, I thought - I was so happy, but then I thought 'what if this isn't real?' What if I'm just imagining it, and... [ She trails off and puts the phone face down. Don't look at her! ]
I don't know if that's worse. Being so happy, and then... realizing it could be taken away so fast. Or that it could be over so quickly.
[Her response makes Ferdinand's heart squeeze with an ache that only grows more poignant the longer she goes on. Her hiding the lens of her phone so he can't see her astonishes him for a split second, makes him feel bad for inciting that reaction by blurting out the obvious, but he's grown used to how squirrely Bernadetta can be in social situations. She just needs to take a moment to hide. Even though he's talking to a blacked screen, he continues holding it up. He'll be visible when she is able to look at him.
He takes a brief pause to process the weight.]
I have been through those feelings. [There's the heaviness of hurt lodged in his voice.] Wondering if anything that I am experiencing is only a lie. That any day now, someone I love will disappear, along with everything that we built together. [Dorothea... Another very brief pause hits him.] Or that maybe I finally leave this place, and nothing I have done here will matter... or that perhaps, I will remember everything I have gone through, but no one else will.
[His face is pinched with this pain. But he fishes himself out of his own emotions to mirror them with Bernadetta's, go over the bridge that he erects with her to connect the damage within them, and realizes he might just be making it worse with his fervent desire to empathize and understand.]
I need not have said all of those things. I fear I might have worsened the pain. What I really want to say is that this is real. We are going to be together now, supporting and caring for each other for as long as we can. I am really here, saying this to you. Would you like for this to feel even more real?
[ Listening to Ferdinand like this is familiar somehow. Part of her thinks it's a little like that time he came to her room to apologize, even if she'd been the one to hurt him. But that makes this easier, and makes picking the phone back up to look at him just as familiar as opening her door a crack. Except this time it's more than a crack, it's a wide open doorway, and she looks at him with wider eyes, all tears really gone after she'd had a moment to wipe her eyes dry. ]
Oh. Yes! I mean... Shall I... Maybe I should come over? [ She cringes, but at least she smiles a little. She's glad the suggestion came from him. ]
I'm sorry. I should have said all this to you in person. Then... I would have known that you're really really here.
[He's smiling at her to the point that his eyes crinkle, outshining the sorrow that lurked there, and he shakes his head at her apology.]
No, do not be sorry. No matter how you conveyed the news, I think that we would end up in each other's presence regardless. Even if it happens after the fact. I want to see you, too, Bernadetta. Let me come to you, instead.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Yes! You. That is what I want. [And then... he got it! He smiles at her reassuringly, keeping his screen at a proper distance (but trying not to show too much of the shabby environment of the halfway house...).] Our names and titles, or anything that tied us to the nobility of the Empire do not factor into this even a little. I am way past that. My relationship to you is personal.
no subject
[ She looks visibly startled, and she thinks she feels her ears catching fire. She knew all that already of course - their relationship has been personal for a long time. She's loved Ferdinand for a long time, and she's realizing it must have been even longer than she realized it herself.
It's hard to believe when Ferdinand himself is saying it, though, because part of her thinks he might not be telling the truth. Unbidden, her eyes fill with tears as she tries to navigate how that would feel. ]
I think what we have is personal too, Ferdinand. So I hope.. I mean... I don't want you to think we'd do this just because we need to or anything! Because... Because you're a lot more important to me than all that! All those designations and houses and property and things.
[ beat. ]
Ah! And I'd be really happy to see you a lot more, too!
[ She just... never knew how to ask for it. ]
no subject
I am awfully glad to hear you say that. I look forward to this! Wow... [He shakes his head, hand resting at his plain, black collar.] I can hardly believe this is happening. We are now able to lawfully join this way. [But then, he starts to notice her teary eyes, which almost brings him to some of his own. He hopes they're a result of overwhelming joy, but concern for otherwise crops up.] Bernadetta... Are you crying?
no subject
[ . . . ]
[ She hastily wipes at her eyes and hiccups. Okay. Yes. Maybe. ]
Maybe a little. I just thought... Well, for a moment, I thought - I was so happy, but then I thought 'what if this isn't real?' What if I'm just imagining it, and... [ She trails off and puts the phone face down. Don't look at her! ]
I don't know if that's worse. Being so happy, and then... realizing it could be taken away so fast. Or that it could be over so quickly.
no subject
He takes a brief pause to process the weight.]
I have been through those feelings. [There's the heaviness of hurt lodged in his voice.] Wondering if anything that I am experiencing is only a lie. That any day now, someone I love will disappear, along with everything that we built together. [Dorothea... Another very brief pause hits him.] Or that maybe I finally leave this place, and nothing I have done here will matter... or that perhaps, I will remember everything I have gone through, but no one else will.
[His face is pinched with this pain. But he fishes himself out of his own emotions to mirror them with Bernadetta's, go over the bridge that he erects with her to connect the damage within them, and realizes he might just be making it worse with his fervent desire to empathize and understand.]
I need not have said all of those things. I fear I might have worsened the pain. What I really want to say is that this is real. We are going to be together now, supporting and caring for each other for as long as we can. I am really here, saying this to you. Would you like for this to feel even more real?
no subject
Oh. Yes! I mean... Shall I... Maybe I should come over? [ She cringes, but at least she smiles a little. She's glad the suggestion came from him. ]
I'm sorry. I should have said all this to you in person. Then... I would have known that you're really really here.
I want to see you, Ferdinand.
no subject
No, do not be sorry. No matter how you conveyed the news, I think that we would end up in each other's presence regardless. Even if it happens after the fact. I want to see you, too, Bernadetta. Let me come to you, instead.