Even after a year here things are still scary!! I don't think quota is any easier, and it's about to get harder and it's like... I've never really even had a proper home other than the monastery with our friends, you know? And I guess I got used to that so much that it's been especially hard not having the same thing here
But most people aren't as scary as I thought they'd be, and it turns out a lot of them just want to help. I'm trying to meet more nice people, even if that's terrifying by itself too
I didn't know it'd be scary for you. But if we're together then maybe it will all be less scary
Quota is about to get harder? What do you mean by that? At any rate, I am sorry to hear that it is still just as difficult for you as it was from the start.
And I do know, now more than ever. My heart hurts for you, and it hurts as I recall those days fondly. It really did feel like another home, even when the realities of war darkened the horizon. I know that is is not the same thing, but for me, having Dorothea and Hubert close gives a precious sense of normality in this dismal, outlandish world. I wonder, do you think the same could be good for you? It is the closest thing that I have to any sense of "home", and it would feel even more like that if I could share a roof with you, too. I have not forgotten your nature, so I am prepared to expect that you might find such an arrangement difficult... but I am sure we could work something out to make you as comfortable as possible.
Likewise, it is a relief to find that many others stuck in our situation are of good character. They make it difficult to be scared of them. (In my case!) It is less that I am afraid of it and more that I am not used to feeling so out-of place among others. Many things about myself that I took pride in, that I had been striving for, are all of no consequence here. In a sense, there is some curious freedom found in losing some of the aspects of my life that made me who I was, but in others, it leaves me feeling... adrift. I hope that makes sense. I am not fond of the feeling.
Quota is different when you are here for more than a year! I don't have to find someone to sleep with three times anymore, but there's a challenge you have to do... I'm not sure how that's going to work for me. But I'm going to try really hard, so please don't worry!
And please don't hurt your heart. I think I'd like to share a roof with you and Hubert and Dorothea too, just like home! But wouldn't I just get in the way? I think I would. The apartments aren't very big. I had to share it with Geto and Mr. Gojo for a few weeks, and that was a tight fit already.
I don't like thinking of you adrift though. Maybe you need an anchor! Like a boat (because you're feeling adrift) (and to help keep you guided or grounded or something) (don't get lost, Ferdinand!)
I know I'm way too light and nervous to be any good as an anchor. But I want to help, if I can! Like I said, the social event is really... strange to me, but with you I think I could manage it. I want to manage it! But I want to do that with you.
A challenge? I hesitate to ask what kind, but I suspect that I know this place too well to. If you need help with your challenge, I will remind you that I am here and willing. Besides, I am all too curious about an example of what may eventually be in store for me...
How would you get in the way? If anything, you are more inclined to be out of the way! More seriously, I understand your point. We do not always get along at our apartment, either, no matter how close we have gotten! If we wanted to live more comfortably, we ought to have more space. That is why I think I should propose to Dorothea that we look into securing our own residence. It would solve the problem, and I think it could be a lot nicer. Then, since, ideally, the house is spacious enough, it should no longer be a concern. What do you think?
I will not get lost, Bernadetta! Especially with you around. I do not need an anchor to keep me in place. Perhaps you are more akin to a compass in this analogy. When I look at you, I know where I am and where I came from. It is very reassuring to have that. While we are floating boat metaphors at each other, perhaps I am more suited to be your anchor. If the social current is getting overwhelming, I will help moor you somewhere safe.
I don't think it'll be too hard to find your own residence, Ferdinand! Dorothea is so smart, too, and Hubert will help make sure it's nice and safe. I think that's a really good idea. Maybe a nice house in the Up? The Down is always so scary, and full of scary people.
[ As for joining them... Well, she'll carefully sidestep that proposition. She can't invite herself just like that! What if the perfect house doesn't have enough room? What if he's wrong and she is just an intrusion? What if, what if, what if ... ]
Oh but, I think I like thinking about you like an anchor, Ferdinand. Sometimes all I need is to read a message from you in the morning and I think I can start my day alright. Even if everything is scary, knowing you're here helps me feel better.
I hope I can be a good compass. That's a lot of responsibility, I don't want to lead you somewhere you shouldn't be! But... if you need a reminder of where we are from and what we were like so we don't get lost, I'll do my best! I want to help you, too.
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Even after a year here things are still scary!! I don't think quota is any easier, and it's about to get harder and it's like... I've never really even had a proper home other than the monastery with our friends, you know? And I guess I got used to that so much that it's been especially hard not having the same thing here
But most people aren't as scary as I thought they'd be, and it turns out a lot of them just want to help. I'm trying to meet more nice people, even if that's terrifying by itself too
I didn't know it'd be scary for you. But if we're together then maybe it will all be less scary
no subject
And I do know, now more than ever. My heart hurts for you, and it hurts as I recall those days fondly. It really did feel like another home, even when the realities of war darkened the horizon. I know that is is not the same thing, but for me, having Dorothea and Hubert close gives a precious sense of normality in this dismal, outlandish world. I wonder, do you think the same could be good for you? It is the closest thing that I have to any sense of "home", and it would feel even more like that if I could share a roof with you, too. I have not forgotten your nature, so I am prepared to expect that you might find such an arrangement difficult... but I am sure we could work something out to make you as comfortable as possible.
Likewise, it is a relief to find that many others stuck in our situation are of good character. They make it difficult to be scared of them. (In my case!) It is less that I am afraid of it and more that I am not used to feeling so out-of place among others. Many things about myself that I took pride in, that I had been striving for, are all of no consequence here. In a sense, there is some curious freedom found in losing some of the aspects of my life that made me who I was, but in others, it leaves me feeling... adrift. I hope that makes sense. I am not fond of the feeling.
no subject
And please don't hurt your heart. I think I'd like to share a roof with you and Hubert and Dorothea too, just like home! But wouldn't I just get in the way? I think I would. The apartments aren't very big. I had to share it with Geto and Mr. Gojo for a few weeks, and that was a tight fit already.
I don't like thinking of you adrift though. Maybe you need an anchor! Like a boat (because you're feeling adrift) (and to help keep you guided or grounded or something) (don't get lost, Ferdinand!)
I know I'm way too light and nervous to be any good as an anchor. But I want to help, if I can! Like I said, the social event is really... strange to me, but with you I think I could manage it. I want to manage it! But I want to do that with you.
no subject
How would you get in the way? If anything, you are more inclined to be out of the way! More seriously, I understand your point. We do not always get along at our apartment, either, no matter how close we have gotten! If we wanted to live more comfortably, we ought to have more space. That is why I think I should propose to Dorothea that we look into securing our own residence. It would solve the problem, and I think it could be a lot nicer. Then, since, ideally, the house is spacious enough, it should no longer be a concern. What do you think?
I will not get lost, Bernadetta! Especially with you around. I do not need an anchor to keep me in place. Perhaps you are more akin to a compass in this analogy. When I look at you, I know where I am and where I came from. It is very reassuring to have that. While we are floating boat metaphors at each other, perhaps I am more suited to be your anchor. If the social current is getting overwhelming, I will help moor you somewhere safe.
no subject
[ As for joining them... Well, she'll carefully sidestep that proposition. She can't invite herself just like that! What if the perfect house doesn't have enough room? What if he's wrong and she is just an intrusion? What if, what if, what if ... ]
Oh but, I think I like thinking about you like an anchor, Ferdinand. Sometimes all I need is to read a message from you in the morning and I think I can start my day alright. Even if everything is scary, knowing you're here helps me feel better.
I hope I can be a good compass. That's a lot of responsibility, I don't want to lead you somewhere you shouldn't be! But... if you need a reminder of where we are from and what we were like so we don't get lost, I'll do my best! I want to help you, too.